The Oscars – Nonie has spoken

Well – the moment has come. Nonie has been busy today, but finally she has researched, reviewed and reached her opinion on those all important Oscar dresses. First of all, she must thank Harpers Bazaar for the photos, which were the best of the bunch.

And this is what she thinks …

Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton. Generally agreed to be the biggest fashion success of the night. In ‘coral’. Although Nonie quite liked the colour description given as ‘the inside of a fruit’. Against the trend, Nonie is not sure about that orangey-red. Nor the oh-so-in peplum. She wonders if it looked more amazing in the flesh. But she LOVES Michelle’s hair.

Gwyneth in Tom Ford. The fashion editors’ choice. Nonie has humed and haed and is still undecided. It is indeed brave. It shows off her mind-bogglingly perfect figure. It Will Be Remembered. But Nonie does rather secretly think it makes her look a bit like a white rectangle. Is that a good thing? Maybe Nonie is just jealous of Gwyn’s perfect bod.

It’s Lanvin. It’s Meryl’s third Oscar, from 17 nominations (which is possibly why it looks a bit like one). The woman can wear what she wants. Nonie can whisper ‘ballroom curtains’, but that would be rude. Besides, Meryl is probably still sleeping off her post-Oscar-party hangover, and would neither hear nor care.

Nonie has recently been watching Natalie in the 3-D version of Star Wars, where she looks just as luminous as always. Nonie is in love. She seems to remember that Natalie looked pretty darn hot last year, when she accessorised her Oscar with a baby bump and a new fiance. This year, it’s vintage Dior with velvet polka dots. Velvet polka dots, people! Nonie is swooning here. And it’s red, which means that Natalie took note when Nonie complained about the monochromeness of the BAFTAs. Yay. Total Yay. You go, talented girl.

Angelina is allowed to be the honourable exception to the ‘no black’ rule because a) it is velvet, Nonie’s favourite fabric, and b) it is Angelina, who manages to rock black every time, including this one by Atelier Versace. Nonie loves the asymmetric neckline and the slit to the thigh, but disapproves of the positively silly way Angelina has to pose for every picture, including on the Oscars stage, so people can see her leg. You have more class than that, Angie. Let us imagine the leg this time. Nonie understands why the scriptwriters of The Descendants, who got the Oscar from her, felt obliged to stand on one hip, with their right knee pointed at a distorted angle. Also, scale back on the Botox, Angie. You are allowed frown lines, too.

Viola Davies in Vera Wang. Stunning colour. Brave choice. Looked gorgeous on TV. But somehow her assets seem a bit squeezed in the pictures. A topical allusion? Nonie doubts it. She wishes the cup size had been a bit more generous. Nevertheless, a yay.

Octavia Spencer shows us how it’s done. Take note, Angie and Viola. Her legs are at normal angles, it fits, swoops and curves to perfection, and she looks like a goddess. And she won the Oscar. (The dress is by Tadashi Shoji. Me neither. We do now, though.)

Berenice Bejo in Elie Saab. Nonie expected to like this. She wanted to like this. Apparently it’s the top of one couture dress, and the skirt of another. It’s mint green, not white like it was on the catwalk. She’sthought about it. And she looks so heavenly in every shot from The Artist. So it’s a pity the dress is so … meh. Sorry, Berenice. But at least your husband’s movie got 5 OSCARS last night. So not a bad night overall. (And Nonie loved the clutch, if that’s any help.)

Jessica Chastain, in Nonie’s final Yay of the evening. It’s not just that it’s McQueen. It’s that it’s baroque (which Nonie’s into at the moment – check out the newest Dolce and Gabbana collection – WOW!). It fits, it’s glamorous, it’s special, it’s Oscar-reminiscent, without looking like an actual statuette. It’s the dress Nonie would have worn if she’d been up for Best Supporting Actress -  and Jessica Chastain hadn’t got there first.

And now Nonie must go and lie down in a quiet room somewhere. So much fashion hype, for so long, about so many people, for such a short time on the red carpet. It’s crazy. Nonie loves it.

Until next year …

About noniexxx

I live in Kensington and love fashion. My best friends are Jenny (actress), Edie (saving the world) and Crow (genius designer - OMG). I narrate the Threads series by Sophia Bennett. Some people think I'm a figment of her imagination. I think she's a figment of mine.
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